My hands were wet from the waterworks that my body had given into.
Any moment now. I was ready. Ready to hear either Mum or Dad or both react in
anger and disappointment. Ready for the emotional beat down because nothing
from their reactions signalled it would be okay.
Lines I feared they would use on me and that had I used to toughen
myself in preparation for this very moment, began to stream fast and furious.
They included statements like:
"You nitwit! What did you do?" or
"How could you let Gathoni slip out of your fingers like
that?" or
"Are you sure you're my boy? because when we start something
we finish it and we finish it well..." or the ultimate blow...
"What kind of man are you? Are you even a man? Ha! Can't even
keep a woman, let alone marry her! What ever are we going to do with
you...you're such a failure."
My heart was racing. I could hear sound but it was
incomprehensible. My adrenaline kicked in such that my thoughts were louder,
realer and scarier than what was happening around me. I tuned out of my present
reality. The negative statements continued to play successively. Louder...
stronger and violently interchanging between my mother's and father's
voices.
It was painful, then awful then too much for me to take. My
frame began to shake, next thing I knew I was talking back at the voices.
Quietly at first. Whispering almost, the agonies that plagued me.
Then I began to shout.
"I don't know why she left me! I wish I did but I
don't. She just ended it! Who does that?! She did it... not me...Why? Was I
that bad? Surely not...I can't be that bad...or was it all a lie...surely
no,"
Next came anger. I was livid. How dare she leave me! How dare Mum
and Dad think that they could say such things to me! I really didn't deserve
this. I began to shout in retaliation with my face still buried in my
hands. I needed to protect me and the little dignity that I still had.
"No. I am not a failure! Who said marrying is what makes one
a success, let alone a man? Stop it!!Stop it Mum and Dad! Stop saying such
cruel things! Why did you love her so much? She's the failure! She's the one
who will miss out on me, us and the life we were going to have!"
That last line finished me. I wept. Next thing I knew was feeling
two bodies embracing me tightly and calling me back to reality. Mum's soft
hands were working to pry free my hands from my face. Dad was holding on to me
as if I were his last breath.
Slowly I could hear them calling me back to reality. Funny it
seemed like their real voices were fake because they sounded so far away, yet
in actual truth they were right beside me. The power of the mind and negativity
can be quite something.
"Mali, my son...you are not a failure. I love you. We love
you, wake up from whatever you're hearing...it's not real. This, what you're
hearing now is my voice, your dad's voice...this is real. I'm real and I'm
here. We're here. Mali, I love you. We love you," said Dad steadily as he
rubbed my shoulders. He kept repeating it over and over again in a strong but
calming voice.
At first it sounded distant but the more I focused on listening to
him, the more the negative statements died down to the truths that were
being spoken to me.
"Mali, my dear boy, I'm so sorry. Sorry for the pressure we
knowingly and unknowingly put on you to get on with adulting. Marriage isn't
the only thing my son. You're a wonderful child period. I don't want to lose
you like this. We don't want to lose you like this. Come back to us Mali. We
love you. We are not saying whatever negatives you seem to be hearing.
Mali...Mali!" called mum desperately.
This was new. I can't remember the last time I cried in front of
my parents, let alone as an adult. I'm not sure whether even in my
rebellion of youth I ever lost it like this. Somehow Mum managed to pry my
hands free from my face and the look on my parents’ faces was enough to calm
the storm that had brewed within.
We just stood in silence hugging and it felt good. The weight was
finally off my shoulders and now the burden would be shared. How? I did not
know, but I felt safe and assured which was all I was hoping for.
It's funny. Even in the worst of situations good can still abound,
and abound it did. I couldn't believe it! This was probably the closest I had
got with both parents at the same time in my life. In just a fraction of time,
they said all I had ever wanted and needed to hear them say throughout my
lifetime. It took my brokenness to break them enough to come out with their
truths straight up and unfiltered.
Dad looked me straight in the eye and held my right hand and said,
"Mali, I don't know what just happened but I want you to know that you are
not alone in this. We'll get through it...together. You're my boy, my man and
I'm proud of you. We are both very proud of you. Don't you ever forget
that."
My heart leapt and soared. What else could I ask for than to be
affirmed and loved on by my parents?
"Come, let's sit in the family room. If you want to talk
about it now we can, if not we can do something different totally unrelated.
Relax, enjoy each other's company then later figure this out. Okay?"
continued Dad.
A faint smile escaped my lips. I couldn't help or stop it.
"Yeah, let's do some family time then tomorrow we can get
back to this grey cloud if that's fine," I responded.
Dad smiled as he walked towards the game box. He pulled out my old
PlayStation game and began to set it up. I was shocked. He actually knew how to
put it together. Mum went and came back with the game controls and I was
stunned. Come to think of it, now it added up.
When I was younger I would sometimes find my games switched or
levels unlocked or re-arranged from the way I left it. Now I understand why and
who the culprits were. So they were still kids at heart? Interesting.
We got into it and it was a lot of fun. I was in a happy place and
I wished it would never end. Dad and Mum had some impressive moves. I felt
so proud to have discovered this side of them. I didn't know they had it in
them.
You see my parents were the type to walk the straight and narrow
path. Sometimes I wondered if they knew what fun was. Reflecting on it now, it
was probably as a result of some of the sacrifices they made to enable them to
focus on raising us.
The evening was beautiful and I was treated...like it was treat of
the century! Mum organized and whipped my favourite dessert and though my
siblings dropped in, my parents acted like nothing had happened. I was touched
that they would honour my request, even with my elder siblings and felt sure it
could only get better from here.
By 11 p.m. I was beat and ready for bed. I bid them good night and
my elder brother decided to stay the night for old times-sake. As I passed my
parent's room I overheard my mum say something to my dad. She said, "We
should have told him,"
A part of me wondered what I should have been told but guessed it
was the affirmations...that they should have affirmed me sooner. I was in
agreement. They should have told me sooner but better late than never. Right?
Right. As I shut my eyes that night it felt good to sleep knowing
this burden wasn't mine alone to bear. I had the support of family thus felt
confident we'd scale it perfectly together.
