I Was Just Wondering...

Hi God,

I was just wondering... why did You create humans,

More personally...why did You create me?

Why would You want to be a Father to me or to us humans?

Unlike us, you can see the past, present and future...

Knowing fully well the outcome; our fall, 

The hurt and ruin we would cause You, that I'd cause, 

You still proceeded to create us, to create me? Why?

You know how our hearts are, especially after sin came,

How fleeting our emotions, desires and commitment can be,

How unfaithful, ungrateful, and stubborn we can be,

Yet you still chose and choose to not only create us but 

To offer your love and, the very best of You...why?

Quick to wander, we are, and I too do,

Quick to forget, we are, and I too do,

Quick to complain, we are and I too do...and yet,

You still lend me breath...You still give me an opportunity 

To be and to possibly see tomorrow...why?

Sometimes, I think that You could have, or should have chosen...

Different...You know, invested Yourself and Your Love, 

In what my little mind perceives, 

To be a more worthwhile relationship...You know,

Where You are truly loved and appreciated as You deserve...

I don't think we, better still I, am doing such a great job so far...

Where the commitment is always fully reciprocated,

Where the expression is consistent and long -lived,

Where there is perfect trust, fearlessness and confidence...

not that that I could ever give enough...I mean Your scale vs mine...

Who can love or care as as perfectly as You do?...

Is that even remotely possible?

It would be awesome if we humans, 

If I, could love you entirely, like You do me, even if...

My entirely never fits your majestic scale and expression. 

Hopefully, in the game of ratios it could match, sort of,

Your endless devotion for my inconsistent but endless attempts 

To stay true to You...How do You do it and not give up? 

How do You manage our, my: ungratefulness, unfaithfulness, 

Half-heartedness, hate, doubt, indiscipline...

How are you able to still extend Your invitation of salvation,

Of  love perfected, forgiveness, mercy, grace;

Not forgetting Your abundant blessings?

Funny, look at this, me the created asking You the Creator...

I guess that's why You are God and I am not...

Not that I would ever want to be, Your shoes are too too big

For me to ever even imagine, let alone consider, filling,

Is that why you put us in families, allow us to be 

parents, teachers, mentors, siblings, shepherds or stewards?

To sort of understand You and the sacrifices You make...

To teach us how to extend more of ourselves to You and to Others

To learn as You shape us to be more like You?

To perfect this our imperfect relationship,

As we journey through the ups and downs of life?

I ask to understand, if it is even possible to fathom

The magnitude of it all...or perhaps

 I'm just thinking out loud...

Trying to make sense of it all...You, Me, Us...

The purpose of it all, and if I, 

Would ever be fully willing and able,

To fully walk Your mile, apply it all,

As You see fit, in my tiny shoes ... hmmm

Anyway, thank you for listening and granting me audience...

For letting me share even if incoherently,

For letting me lay it all before you...

Yours imperfectly,

-Me-

Shall We?

So many stories to tell

So many,

So many adventures to share,

To experience...

If only time would still

Till I could do it all,

If it's not this, it's that.

If not that, it's this,

How can I do it all?

The clock still ticks

Constantly so,

Not losing a tick nor a tock

So what am I waiting for?

Who am I,

Not to seize the moment?

The moment is now!

For tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I do what I can and make every moment mine,

Small or big, the adventure is mine,

Mine, mine yes it is mine.

I may do it all,

I may not do it at all,

Key thing is I tried...

And will keep trying.

I will make the very best attempt...

And then beyond the attempt,

I will simply do till it is,

And say I done did it.

Yes? Yes!

Shall we?

Indeed!

What is Love?

What is love?

A feeling?

An action?

Both? 

Or is it pure imagination or desire,

Of  what it would feel like to be seen,

To be appreciated,

To be accepted,

To be...absolutely free...

Free to be,

Entirely you, me, we...

Without any inhibition,

Without any fear,

With no masks nor facades,

No walls, or may be much lower than what the rest of the world sees,

Is love vulnerability or strength?

Or is it both in perfect or imperfect balance?

Is it endurance or perseverance or patience?

But wait...if that is so,

Up to what point?

Or perhaps it's weakness and meekness?

Hmmm...

Does one continue to pour out,

And release that which they perceive to be love unlimitedly?

What happens when the taps run dry?

Wouldn't that be too much?

What if there is no reciprocity?

Or is that the way it's supposed to be?

Wait...

Is that the mystery of it all?

And what if how we give it and receive it...

What we perceive it ,

How we present it or experience it to be

Is absolutely, positively different...

Does that still count?

Does love really still exist?

Real love, true love that is...

Beyond the romantic stuff,

Beyond the flittery - fluttery feelings,

The real stuff...

The sure, undoubting love that's secure,

Does love still exist,

With you, me, we?

Hmmm...

Update on Taking in the Cards on the Table

 Greetings my lovelies,

I hope this finds you well. Just an update. Went a bit quiet because was cooking up a great storm ;-). Due to the demand on the Taking in the Cards on the Table Series, decided to complete it as book. 

Thank you for your patience. Hopeful to release it by end of the year, latest, early next year - God willing. I am forever grateful for all your support, encouragement and kindness through my storytelling journey. 

In the meantime, I shall continue to share short stories and the lot. Join in the adventure and as always invite as many to share in it all and feel free to let me know your experience through the comments.

Excited for the journey ahead, the Simpl-O-cated journey of course ;-) Check me out on Instagram as well under @simpl.o.cated.

All my love!

Taking in the Cards on the Table Pt8

 Oh my goodness. I couldn't tell you how happy I was to be back at the hospital. I walked in to find Uncle Mwaria awake and seeing people. Dad, Mum and my Aunt were in the room and they were cracking a few jokes with him. 

"Mwaria you are something else! You got us all here running wild, worried sick because you were wrestling Mali? You're such a rascal. Next time you and your wife better spill the beans so that the match is fair. Don't want Mali fainting," teased Mum.

"Ha ha Mwaria, you never cease to surprise us. Well at least the element of surprise was achieved so Happy Birthday. Truly you and your wife are like Bonnie and Clyde...ride or die like literally! It is well. We forgive you...but no more secrets, " joked my Dad as he hi fived my Uncle.

"You can't blame me. When my husband here plays super hero and is as discreet as Batman, what's a lady supposed to do? Of course you know we love you Mwaria, especially your darling right here," said my aunt with a wink. "Just don't go scaring us again," she finished as she gave him a playful little pinch on the cheek followed by a little kiss.

"Wow! You guys don't hold back. Hahaha well, let's remember the facts. It was him that fainted and is still recovering ...from a sore loss! I beat you at the match Uncle. I am now the tickling wrestling master!” I said amidst laughter as I flexed my mighty fingers in joke. Whew! It felt good to laugh after the crazy run of events.

"Alright, alright family. I hear you. No more secrets. To my darling wife, don't worry. We still got long way to go, together, I love you too,” he said as he held her hand tenderly. 

Of heart melting moments, this was one of them. To observe love so rich, so tender whose foundations stood firm made my heart swell. I almost had something like this, at least at the building blocks to say the least but we broke up. Oh well, that's life ay? Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all?

 I figured I'd switch the mushy - mushy atmosphere with a change of topic that may be of light humour to them. The thought of how I bumped into Gathoni still persisted. Her passing statements echoed louder though I tried to ignore it. Either way, I was super proud of my reactions and responses. I didn't let situations get the better of me.

"Enough with the mushiness, you will never believe who I bumped into as I was taking a walk. Take 3 guesses," I asked.

"Your brother," said mum.

"Nope."

"Your cousin," said Auntie.

"Nope, try a little harder," I joked.

"Hmmm, your old time classmate that you had been looking to reconnect with?" guessed Dad.

"Good guess but no. That reminds, me I need to keep checking for them. You're all wrong. It was Gathoni." I said.

If their faces were capable of turning white, they most definitely would have. They tried to maintain composure but their facial expressions of shudder was so evident. 

I guess they feared any potential negative impact from the meet, and the chances of me slipping back into depression. Perhaps it might have been the memory of how low I had been during that season and what it took to get me to where I now was. All my suppositions stood unconfirmed. I chose to stop overthinking it.

"That's quite eventful Mali. My birthday clearly came with surprises. How did it happen? How are you?" asked Uncle Mwaria as he sat up better to listen.

"I'm fine. I think your quote and quote surprise really got to me. I ended up speaking to myself loudly on the street. She saw me and came to check up on me, so she says. In my mind she should have just kept walking. It was so weird," I mused.

"Continue, you have us at the edge of our seats," said Uncle Mwaria as Dad nodded in agreement. Mum seemed to slightly drift off in quiet thought but was still very present.

"It was weird because I had always pictured what I'd do, and how I'd retaliate when I saw her but I didn't. I was livid and irritable but it wasn't in me to react in a way that would harm her. It was more words to let her know I wasn't interested in engaging. That said, she was very different in her demeanor," I said as I recollected the scenario piece by piece.

"How now? Mali spill it all, the suspense is at fever pitch!" said Auntie

"Well first she persisted in spending time with me despite me trying to end our conversation severally. She used every opportunity to touch me in one way or another...oh, she even pulled a line saying she had tried to reach me. That she tried to reach Dad, Mum and my Uncles, even you Uncle Mwaria, but to no avail. 

She kept insisting we meet up but I wasn't having it. Hadn't we been the ones who tried to reach her but to no avail? Her twisting of the truth almost got me furious but I took off. She kept telling me to ask you all and I told her to stop lying. She's crazy, right?" I finished.

As I looked at their faces I saw mixed expressions, worry, fear and disgust. Probably at how reaching Gathoni's statements were, however nobody responded to my rejoinder that she was cuckoo.

“I said she's crazy, right?” I repeated.

“Ehm, Mali.  The whole event is crazy. You still need some space but good on you. In the spirit of no secrets there is something we need to tell you,” started Uncle Mwaria, for some reason his breathing began to sound belaboured.

“Mwaria, don't do this now. Get well first then we shall discuss more,” said my dad.

“Njama, we need to tell him. There is no perfect time. It's better now rather than later, otherwise it wi ...will b..b be t too late,” whispered my uncle before passing out.

My dad quickly rang the nurse’s bell as my mum dashed to the corridor to get a nurse. What was all this and what were they talking about?

"Mwaria, why do you keep doing this to us," lamented my aunt as she tried to tap him conscious, "come on...relax and breathe steadily. You can do this."

"Mali, you have to stop with all this surprise pre - empting," yelled my dad, just before the nurse came in.

Dad, Mum and I were whisked out rapidly as they tended to Uncle Mwaria. Apparently he was asthmatic as well. The pressure of the mild stroke, the discussion and all had affected his breathing so he got a mild attack which thankfully the medics arrested. 

We were requested to go home and return the next day but at different times to avoid stressing him.

The car ride home was mum minus occasional condescending statements by dad. I figured it was his way of processing his anxiety over his beloved brother. We had never really experienced loss as family or anything close. I figure the stress got to him, the thought of losing his bestie was unthinkable.

"Mali, try stick your head out of trouble. Why did you have to bring up such a topic when you could see the situation Uncle Mwaria was in? Why couldn't you just wait till later or tell us first then we could share it as a joke later?" growled dad.

Wait, why was I to blame? They all asked me to continue in sharing, each digging to find out more. People are capable of speaking messily in times of emergency.

"I'm sorry. I thought it would be a funny light story. I said I was fine, didn't I so what's the problem? Why are you overreacting? Or do you also have high blood pressure and you're not saying?" I shot back.

"You two, simmer down. This is all unnecessary. Can't we be happy and positive that all has worked out well?" said mum as she tried to rescue the situation.

"Mama Mali, speak to your son. He had one type of surprise to help us pull, not the kind to put people in hospital and cause them to deteriorate. Speak to your boy," dad fired.

"Dad, I know you're stressed. I'm sorry. I didn't mean any harm but you cannot speak like that to me or about me. I am not a boy, I am a man so let's maintain the respect, kindly," I said. 

I was now starting to get irritated. Why was my dad acting weird and why did Uncle Mwaria react like that to the information? Wonders never cease. 

“You had one task and that was to get Uncle Mwaria home. Not wrestle him or take him to hospital because of some childish wrestling. The surprise we were anticipating was at the party, not in getting to hospital nor keeping him there. Tread carefully otherwise you shall see," finished my father.

Oh wow. Now we were at threats. Were we now verbally fighting because I said I had seen Gathoni? What did that have to do with me? I didn't go looking for her. She came looking for me and I was just sharing. On top of that, what was dad withholding my uncle from sharing...or was it a safety measure to avoid my uncle exhausting himself. 

Perhaps there was some truth to her statements, probably not...but then again, what if...or was dad just acting on a high of the day? What was it Uncle Mwaria wanted to share? Was I being too nice or too naive? 

I chose to pause it there because I knew if I let my mind run, I wasn't sure I could close that pandora's box.

Taking in the Cards on the Table Pt.7

 Ever felt like you were having an out of body experience yet still physically present? That was exactly what was going on. It was like experiencing a forthcoming dreaded prophesy.

"Gathoni...hmmm! Gathoni... Like GA- to the THO- to the NI!  GA-THO-NI! Au-wuu!" Gathoni was here in the flesh.

My thoughts ran Olympic style, record-breaking wild. Time both slowed and sped up as I tried to process my feelings and next course of action. The anger and hurt from the past came through in full force, but quiet thought.

I could not...I could not believe it. She was standing right in front of me. Right there. She was close enough to touch... close enough to land a hot smack in the face for touching me and all the pain she caused me...but that...that  would not be appropriate. I am not that kind of man, neither was I raised like that. Men do not, under whatever circumstance hit women. So what now?

UuuuuuH! I was so angry. Of all the days for her to appear, she picked today. Where was she when I was searching for her and trying to reach out? Her audacity to physically touch me on the shoulder! As who? Who did she think she was? The rage I felt, I had never I experienced before.

She could have avoided me but she came straight to me. What did she want? What sinister intentions did she have up her sleeve?  I was just inwardly dealing with my uncle's situation then this? This was too much, too soon.

"Mali, are you ok? You look like you've seen a ghost," she said as she reached for my shoulder, but this time, I neatly evaded her touch.

 "Surprisingly, the only ghost I see is you," I responded as I started to walk away.

"Is that how you speak to me after such a long time?" she asked in a seemingly innocent voice. You, know the type that wants to dip into a joke that old friends share...but I wasn't having it.

"Haha! Wow! Well excuse me your highness! How would the Queen Ghost wish to be addressed? Wait, but ghosts don't exist, so again, why am I responding?"  

The sarcasm was seeping through me faster than I could muster. Next thing I found myself was doing a very sarcastic hand roll to acknowledge 'royalty'.

Unfortunately she persisted, "I saw you walking up and down the street. I heard you mumbling out loud and just thought I'd check up on you in case all was not well,"

"Surprises never cease. Now you suddenly care?  Hilarious. Keep on walking ma’am. Good bye," I said as I distanced myself from her, but oh this woman was relentless.

 "Mali...Mali...Mali Stop. Just wait one minute," she yelled pulling at my arm and trying to cause a scene.

She wasn't going to trap me. Today my mental and physical collaborated well. I was quite proud of my responses.

"Gathoni, I am not in the mood whatsoever. Kindly stop touching me and leave me alone."

You know in cartoons when both the angel and devil sit on your shoulder and the fight is real...that was exactly what was happening to me. 

I wanted her to hurt like she hurt me. Make her feel absolutely irrelevant like she did when she broke us off and kept walking. She sure had no problem walking away. I tugged my hand and she just held on like a little girl hanging on to her father's knee.

"I have tried to be as civil as I could muster but you are really pushing it. What do you want?" I asked as calmly as I could afford.

She tried to put on a sweet voice but it was dead to me, "Look, I'm sorry. I've been looking for you for the past year but haven't been able to reach you. I called your parents, your uncles but to no avail. I even went to Uncle Mwaria to find a way to reach you but didn't succeed..."

“Remind me again, why that should matter, better still, why I should care? You made your stance clear when you ended things. I’ve moved on. I suggest you do the same for your own good.”  Why wouldn’t she just leave me alone?

 "I can see that you are still upset but please grant me just 15 minutes and I'll explain everything," she pleaded. 

"Upset? More like morbidly irritated by your presence. You’re the last person I'd wish to see so nope. Not interested. I'd say it was nice to see you but I'd be lying. Next time you see me, please don't stop. Just keep walking, okay? Bye”

Never had I tried so hard to end a conversation. It was like getting rid of a persistent allergic itch or one from eczema. The worst. You could scratch till you bleed but the itch doesn’t go away. That was what this whole scenario felt like.

"Mali please. Look I just want to explain myself. We don't even have to do it today. Here is my number, I'm willing to wait till when you are ready. As you think about it, ask your dad or Uncle Mwaria if I did reach out to them then let's pick it up from there, “she said as she quickly placed her business card in my hand.

“My parents and family tried to reach yours so don't try pull another fib story. I ain't got the time hun," I crumpled the card and threw it but she was quick to slide another one into my jacket pocket.

 "Stop being so stubborn! I'm sorry for making a scene, I guess I was excited to see you even if briefly," she said while checking to see if her words had any softening effect on me.

She guessed wrong.

"Thanks for the recognition of your actions and your apology. Gotta go. Bye!"  With that, I sped walked passed her, and crossed to the other side of the road.

"Too much...this is a little too much," I whispered under my breath.

In just one day Uncle Mwaria gave me the scare of my life. I then discovered his secret of his pre-existing condition. Add his failure to take medications and then almost killing him, on his birthday. Then bumping into Gathoni and the great escape and talks of her trying to reach me, but to no avail.  

 It’s funny how time can make one desperate. Did she have to lie though? I wasn’t in the frame of mind to digest it all.

I headed back to hospital since that was the safest place to be. Chances of seeing more 'apparitions' would be closer to nil. I needed to gather my thoughts regarding this strange day.

 

 

Taking in the Cards on the Table Prt 6

"Auntie, Auntie!!!Please come quickly!  Uncle Mwaria has collapsed!" I yelled as I tried shaking him to see if he would respond. He didn't. This was bad. Really bad. I should have just let him win.

One look at her face and I knew it was not only bad but worse, and if not worse, worst...

"Jeez Mali! What did you two do? Now what is this?!" she said almost screaming and crying at the same time. 

"Let's go now now now. Now Mali!!!!"

With that my adrenaline kicked in. Somehow I was able to lift his burly body and get him to the car. Once I lumped him in, my aunt sat in the back and did all she could to ensure he was breathing. The sobs I heard from my aunt and the thought of my family's reaction haunted me but I had to put that aside. The need for speed had never been realer than in this moment. In a few minutes, we arrived at the hospital. 

I quickly ran into the emergency unit and by this time all calm had left me. I beckoned at the first nurse I saw almost pulling him outside. "Please help me! I have someone unconscious in the car!!Please come quickly!"

The nurse followed me accompanied by two others. On opening the car, they lifted him onto a wheel chair and dashed him to one of their rooms. 

My aunt and I followed closely, only to be kicked out of the room as they ran assessment tests and checked for vitals.

As we were standing in the corridors a gentleman clad in a white coat approached us. He bore a stern no nonsense face such that I couldn't tell if it was bad or good news.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Rugendo. We are running a few tests for vitals, in the meantime please tell me what happened?"

This was embarrassing. How do I tell them that we were wrestling then I tickled my uncle until he passed out? If anything happened, it would all be on me. The truth had to be told so I told it. Then my aunt let two cats out of the bag.

"Um...Doctor...my husband has a high blood pressure condition and he stopped taking his medication. He's gone weak before but never gone unconscious. I asked him to go see his doctor but he refused. I'm so upset! Please tell me he is alright. Is he?" she said in between tears.

"Give us some time and we shall be able to give you proper updates. Let me check in with him and the team then I'll be able to provide more information," and with that Dr. Rugendo swang back into the room. 

I felt mixed up emotionally. Why didn't he or my aunt tell me this before we started goofing around? I was livid at the unfolding secret. I couldn't believe it. How long had they hidden this secret of high blood pressure? Also for a man like Uncle Mwaria, well-educated and with a background in medicine - why wouldn't he take his medicine?

First shots of anger were at Uncle Mwaria for knowing, doing and saying nothing. I'd not have wrestled him if I knew he wasn't up to it but he never accepted he was growing older.

I was also quite upset with my aunt for not cautioning me. I'd have taken it easier on him. Now here I was carrying the burden that I caused it all and praying desperately that all would go well.

This was not the time to trail into such thoughts. I quickly called my dad and updated him on what happened so that he could update the rest of the family. So much for pulling off the surprise and getting him to his birthday party. If anything, he definitely took the trophy for surprising us all.

In less than fifteen minutes dad and his siblings had arrived. They pulled my aunt aside and went to talk. After what felt like the longest wait, Dr. Rugendo was back. He told us that Uncle Mwaria had mild stroke but not to worry, he would be fine. 

He'd be admitted for a few days for observation purposes. He just needed time to rest and they would provide some medication to help regulate his blood pressure. In the mean time we were requested to wait, they would alert us when we could see him.

I was at ease but was still a bit shaken about the experience. The good thing was he was still alive. No severe impact. The adrenaline within me was still pretty high and I needed to be calm when I saw him. Sitting wouldn't work for me, so I decided to take a walk and get some air. 

The flashes of him breathless played in my mind. Then hearing about his high blood pressure and that he wasn't taking his medication...my mind trailed back to images of his unconscious body. "What a twist of a day. I am definitely not helping with any more surprise parties. Nope. Done." I thought to myself then again...may be not.

I have this habit of thinking out loud and I believe that was what I was doing. Speaking my thoughts and I was louder than I knew because I felt a soft tap on my shoulder.

"I see some things are still the same?" she said

I felt a chill run down my spine. I knew that voice.  Was it really? I turned around swiftly to confirm if it really was who I thought it was.

"Gathoni...Hh  ...Hi."

"Hi Mali," she said

Whew! I was not ready.

Taking In The Cards on The Table Part 5

It was D-day; Uncle Mwaria#theStoryteller's birthday was finally here.

I woke up to rousing smells from the kitchen. For sure it was going to be good or as we say, it was finna be lit. There were over 7 different dishes being prepared not to mention over 5 desserts! I could not contain my excitement. 

The last part was getting my Uncle home. That was my one responsibility. Get him home by 12pm sharp. The whole clan was counting on me. I was confident I'd deliver, easy-peasy.

I had already crafted my plan on how to get him home.  My strategy was simple. I was going to pull the - we need to talk urgently card. About what? Business of course. That's the one topic that Uncle Mwaria would drop everything for. He's very passionate about seeing the family business rise back to its former glory and beyond. More so with a cross generational touch.  I had this in the bag.

"Mali, you better head off... Your Aunty is waiting anxiously because Uncle Mwaria can up and go on his wild adventures any time, “urged my dad.

"Alright...alright. I'm leaving just now," I said as I reached out to give him a morning fist bump, "I got this dad...don't worry."

With that, I was out of the house munching on the last of the tasting waffles that had been graciously left on the counter. They were so fluffy. I couldn't wait to down the full meal with the whipped cream and fruit toppings. 

Throughout the drive there I kept rehearsing the narrative and figuring out responses to his quick fire questions. The narrative was simple. We needed to talk because Dad was giving me a hard time in running the family business. I'd express that I needed him to intervene urgently. To inflame it more I'd state that I didn't feel their trust or commitment and that I was on the verge of losing my mind. 

The pressure of the rising conflicts with dad and risk of the business failing due to missing out on opportunities would be too much. I'd feel like I failed again at something so major after the Gathoni saga. It would wipe me out. I'd leave him with an ultimatum that if he didn't intervene, I'd walk away from it all by the end of the week. Being a peacemaker and believer in the vision he'd be wiled enough to accompany me home. 

Uncle Mwaria#TheStoryteller didn't get the hashtag affixed to his name for nothing. He had stories to tell from here to kingdom come. Fortunately, they were enjoyable. He was dad's eldest brother. He was a visionary, a fantastic problem solver but best of all was he was an influential storyteller.

Equipped with these there was no problem he couldn't solve. There was nothing he could not engage on and how he did it, was an art. Twas as if he had a PhD in public speaking and engagement: he was a master at it. With that also came the gift of discernment in sniffing things out, including the fake.

On the other hand I was the son of Njama and his mentee. If there is something I perfected, it was execution in delivery: I wasn't going to be the one to drop the ball. I too knew how to weave stories. I had learned from the best, dad and him. In twenty minutes I had arrived.

"Fix your face. Keep it neutral," I told myself as I did last checks on the mirror. I found him sitting at his usual spot, the verandah facing the backyard.

"Uncle Unc...Hey hey! Happy Birthday to you! Who's younger now?" I teased as I greeted him.

He let out a little chuckle and rejoinder, "You best believe it.” We always loved a little rough housing and his birthday wasn't going to pass just like that. Next thing I knew he had put me in a head lock and I had a few seconds to manoeuvre before he made it worse. He lived for moments like these.

I began to tickle him because I knew he was super ticklish. He squirmed and giggled like a little boy.

"Mali, stop it! Stop it! You're cheating," he shouted over his deep laugh. I persisted. 

"I'm serious...stop it...stop!!" he pleaded as tears streamed his face.

"Ahahaha let me go then I'll stop," I negotiated.

"Never!" he yelled as he tightened his grip and tried to get my hands away.

"Uploading the Tickler 2020!" I yelled as I tickled him relentlessly

"Mali, stop...that's not wrestling" his grip began to loosen and his voice became faint, "Mali...stop...stop...Mali.”

I was winning, that was until I felt him collapse on the floor. He was probably exhausted from all the laughing and rough housing. I couldn't put it passed him not to pull a prank to pull a win.

"Uncle Mwaria, stop joking around. You couldn't take me winning?" I asked as I got off his hold and rubbed my sore neck, jeez he was strong.

He didn't budge nor respond.

"Uncle Mwaria. Unc...are you ok...Unc!" I got a bit frantic because he wasn't responding.  What had I done?

Taking in the Cards on the Table Prt 4

Days turned into weeks, weeks to months and just like that a year had gone by. The incredible thing was surviving it and coming out on top. Worst part was having loved and lost my then true love, Gathoni. It was a whirlwind.

 I struggled because I never got closure. I didn't know what the cause of our break up was and neither was I able to see her again. I tried everything I could to reach her but I wasn't able to. My parents told me that they had tried engaging her parents, but to no avail.

If I was being honest, getting through the break up wasn't easy at all. In that time I fully understood RnB songs and how they painted break ups to be absolutely depressing.  Slowly but surely recovery came.

As time passed I came to some sort of peace about it and forged on.  The sting faded and miraculously I was able to get back to being me. Living, seeing the sunshine and feeling something other than hurt. Whew!  I serve a living God! I say miraculously because I had loved deeply and never imagined loving another like that let alone losing such a love.

My parents really played a big role in the journey.

From emotional support to being present physically and spiritually... like the whole shebang.  They helped me in breaking the information to the wider family which in the African family context isn't easy.

They shielded me from a lot of fiery darts and pacified the wider family on how they approached me. They did it so well that we actually ended up becoming closer, as an extended family on both sides, which was and still is beautiful. I remain forever indebted to them.

So what does the future hold in store? Who knows? :-)

All I know is I need to get up early to prepare for Uncle Mwaria#Storyteller's surprise birthday party tomorrow. Catch you then?  It's a date.

Taking in The Cards on the Table Prt 3

My hands were wet from the waterworks that my body had given into. Any moment now. I was ready. Ready to hear either Mum or Dad or both react in anger and disappointment. Ready for the emotional beat down because nothing from their reactions signalled it would be okay.

Lines I feared they would use on me and that had I used to toughen myself in preparation for this very moment, began to stream fast and furious. They included statements like:

"You nitwit! What did you do?" or

"How could you let Gathoni slip out of your fingers like that?" or

"Are you sure you're my boy? because when we start something we finish it and we finish it well..." or the ultimate blow...

"What kind of man are you? Are you even a man? Ha! Can't even keep a woman, let alone marry her! What ever are we going to do with you...you're such a failure."

My heart was racing. I could hear sound but it was incomprehensible. My adrenaline kicked in such that my thoughts were louder, realer and scarier than what was happening around me. I tuned out of my present reality. The negative statements continued to play successively. Louder... stronger and violently interchanging between my mother's and father's voices. 

 It was painful, then awful then too much for me to take. My frame began to shake, next thing I knew I was talking back at the voices.

Quietly at first. Whispering almost, the agonies that plagued me. Then I began to shout.

 "I don't know why she left me! I wish I did but I don't. She just ended it! Who does that?! She did it... not me...Why? Was I that bad? Surely not...I can't be that bad...or was it all a lie...surely no,"

Next came anger. I was livid. How dare she leave me! How dare Mum and Dad think that they could say such things to me! I really didn't deserve this.  I began to shout in retaliation with my face still buried in my hands. I needed to protect me and the little dignity that I still had. 

"No. I am not a failure! Who said marrying is what makes one a success, let alone a man? Stop it!!Stop it Mum and Dad! Stop saying such cruel things! Why did you love her so much? She's the failure! She's the one who will miss out on me, us and the life we were going to have!"

That last line finished me. I wept. Next thing I knew was feeling two bodies embracing me tightly and calling me back to reality. Mum's soft hands were working to pry free my hands from my face. Dad was holding on to me as if I were his last breath. 

Slowly I could hear them calling me back to reality. Funny it seemed like their real voices were fake because they sounded so far away, yet in actual truth they were right beside me. The power of the mind and negativity can be quite something.

"Mali, my son...you are not a failure. I love you. We love you, wake up from whatever you're hearing...it's not real. This, what you're hearing now is my voice, your dad's voice...this is real. I'm real and I'm here. We're here. Mali, I love you. We love you," said Dad steadily as he rubbed my shoulders. He kept repeating it over and over again in a strong but calming voice.

At first it sounded distant but the more I focused on listening to him, the more the negative statements died down to the truths that were being spoken to me.

"Mali, my dear boy, I'm so sorry. Sorry for the pressure we knowingly and unknowingly put on you to get on with adulting. Marriage isn't the only thing my son. You're a wonderful child period. I don't want to lose you like this. We don't want to lose you like this. Come back to us Mali. We love you. We are not saying whatever negatives you seem to be hearing. Mali...Mali!" called mum desperately.

This was new. I can't remember the last time I cried in front of my parents, let alone as an adult. I'm not sure whether even in my rebellion of youth I ever lost it like this. Somehow Mum managed to pry my hands free from my face and the look on my parents’ faces was enough to calm the storm that had brewed within.

We just stood in silence hugging and it felt good. The weight was finally off my shoulders and now the burden would be shared. How? I did not know, but I felt safe and assured which was all I was hoping for.

It's funny. Even in the worst of situations good can still abound, and abound it did. I couldn't believe it! This was probably the closest I had got with both parents at the same time in my life. In just a fraction of time, they said all I had ever wanted and needed to hear them say throughout my lifetime. It took my brokenness to break them enough to come out with their truths straight up and unfiltered.

Dad looked me straight in the eye and held my right hand and said, "Mali, I don't know what just happened but I want you to know that you are not alone in this. We'll get through it...together. You're my boy, my man and I'm proud of you. We are both very proud of you. Don't you ever forget that."

My heart leapt and soared. What else could I ask for than to be affirmed and loved on by my parents?

"Come, let's sit in the family room. If you want to talk about it now we can, if not we can do something different totally unrelated. Relax, enjoy each other's company then later figure this out. Okay?" continued Dad.

A faint smile escaped my lips. I couldn't help or stop it.

"Yeah, let's do some family time then tomorrow we can get back to this grey cloud if that's fine," I responded.

Dad smiled as he walked towards the game box. He pulled out my old PlayStation game and began to set it up. I was shocked. He actually knew how to put it together. Mum went and came back with the game controls and I was stunned. Come to think of it, now it added up.

When I was younger I would sometimes find my games switched or levels unlocked or re-arranged from the way I left it. Now I understand why and who the culprits were. So they were still kids at heart? Interesting.

We got into it and it was a lot of fun. I was in a happy place and I wished it would never end. Dad and Mum had some impressive moves. I felt so proud to have discovered this side of them. I didn't know they had it in them.

You see my parents were the type to walk the straight and narrow path. Sometimes I wondered if they knew what fun was. Reflecting on it now, it was probably as a result of some of the sacrifices they made to enable them to focus on raising us.

The evening was beautiful and I was treated...like it was treat of the century! Mum organized and whipped my favourite dessert and though my siblings dropped in, my parents acted like nothing had happened. I was touched that they would honour my request, even with my elder siblings and felt sure it could only get better from here.

By 11 p.m. I was beat and ready for bed. I bid them good night and my elder brother decided to stay the night for old times-sake. As I passed my parent's room I overheard my mum say something to my dad. She said, "We should have told him,"

A part of me wondered what I should have been told but guessed it was the affirmations...that they should have affirmed me sooner. I was in agreement. They should have told me sooner but better late than never. Right?

Right. As I shut my eyes that night it felt good to sleep knowing this burden wasn't mine alone to bear. I had the support of family thus felt confident we'd scale it perfectly together.