Sweet Revenge.

It was about 6 p.m. The weekend was starting on a high note and I couldn't wait to finish it off with a tasty home cooked meal and a relaxed night in. On the menu tonight I was having warm-spice lentils ('ndengu' as we call it in Kenya) with some rice and spinach.

I quickly set the water to boil and once it was just right, I put in the rice. It did its time and off the fire it went. Next, the spinach. I cooked it in fresh milk then added some oyster sauce and salt to taste and soon it was good to go. At this point the scents in the kitchen were stacking up to create a delicious aroma. Finally was the star dish. The green warm-spice lentils.

Since they were already boiled cooking them was going to be easy and I couldn't wait to get to the munching bit. I started with frying purple onion rings then added in the lentils and a bit of water. Now to the fun bit, building up the flavours so that no nose, mouth or tummy could resist. 

You see for me, cooking is not just about preparing food. No. It's a work of art, love and finesse. Spices wrongly used could make a potentially beautiful meal lethal. On the other hand, if correctly used, one could create a masterpiece. And with that, this master cooking maestro, read-me, was a step away from producing a state of the art meal.

To the lentils I added a just shake of powdered cloves to awaken the sweet warm taste for if I overdid it, this was one of those potential lethal spices. Taste and woo-hoo! I nailed it.

Next thing I knew I was moving swiftly and intuitively adding and blending spices to the dish while fanning the steam from the pot to get whiffs of what I was creating. I didn't know what the end would look like but I had a pretty darn good idea of the type of taste I was aiming for.

I added a shake of cardamom powder, a teaspoon of tomato paste and a quarter teaspoon of honey to round off the sweet factor. Now for the grand finale- weaving in the savoury, balancing it out, and hitting a home run.

In went half a teaspoon of Royco Mchuzi mix, two dollops of oyster sauce and soy sauce and a pinch of salt to taste. As all this was bubbling lightly, I added in some water to create some sauce.

Oh! This must have been the climax of it all because the scents that were wafting in kitchen were tantalizing enough to hypnotize one into a trance of complete submission. Just a little longer to let the spices mix, marry and soak into lentils and it the masterpiece would be complete.

I felt like I could give myself a pat on the shoulder because the end was near. As if sensing my excitement, trouble began to brew.

Just as I was doing the final stir, I don't know if I was the one excited or if the lentils were also bubbling and popping with excitement of their new status...from bland-boiled to saucy warm-spice aromatic lentils. Such that as I stirred, it's like I either burst the bubble of excitement or that the rich flavoured lentils exploded on my hand in retaliation of the fate that awaited them...my tummy.

The more I thought about it, the surer I was that the lentils were protesting. I could almost hear the protest call among the lentil folk. In fact, probably their General was charging them as follows. 

"We have come too far to be eradicated with one bite! From bland to saucy we rise then what? To end up in a digestive tract and later flushed away? Nay, I say! Not today!

 Feel the hot water rise within you. As it soars, soar with it too. Jump and cause a mighty splash that this cook may get the message! Let these waters that boil around us burn and scald her hand that she dare not consider consuming us! 

Feel the hot air rise and sail with it. Today we shall live another day. We may have started out as simpletons but today, we shall finish as a lentils refined. Take to wind and the mighty waters, let this our protest be known!"

And boil away did the lentils boil! They even managed to burn my hand. The pain was sharp and excruciating, especially when the hot steam blew against it. Injured and in shock, I quickly dashed to the sink and ran cold water on my hand.

At this point I was speaking back at the lentils: as if they could hear me. 

"Ha! You lentils! After all the love I poured into you...and the way I made you tenderly...then you burn my hand almost scalding it?! It is on! Today you shall know me!"

Now wiser, I adjusted how I was holding the wooden cooking stick. I now held it far, lightly gripping the tip and stirring slowly before switching off my masterpiece. 

I tell you, revenge was sweet.